It's been a while since I've posted anything here.  Okay, only like three years....to be honest, I completely forgot about it.  That is one of the joys of having children and getting older, realizing that you have trouble remembering things, little things at first...."what did I come in here for?", and somehow now, in what seems just a few short years, I've turned into my mother AND my grandmother.  I go through the entire list of kids' names before I get to the right one, and my kids' just look at me like I've lost my mind.  That is unless they (my daughter) decides to smart off with some comment like "Um, mom, I'm....."......... yep, thanks, I knew that. 

So understand, please dear reader, and know that if she'd just have kept her mouth shut I wouldn't have lost the point I was trying to make, and I wouldn't have been so mad that I tried to come up with a great comeback while in frantic improv mode.  So I end up making no sense at all, and the original point is somewhere way back in my subconscious by this time (either dying of laughter or hiding in fear).  I hate it when they get the best of me and I have to think on my feet, and fast!  Most of the time I can hold my own, but I'm slipping as both they and I get older.  It started sometime when I blinked, and all of the sudden my eldest child started coming back with smart ass comments.  But his were funny and he always did it in a joking manner.  Not my daughter though.  From the time that child was old enough to say NO emphatically, which she did often (and still does!) until now - she's been the one to challenge me.  She would not back down, even when she knew she was wrong and that her argument made no sense.  Many times I would repeat over and over that I was not going to talk to her while she still thought she could talk to me in "that tone".  I learned that if I just left her alone and ignored the attitude that she would usually come around and apologize. Or I would apologize if I was in the wrong. 

How can people expect their children to treat Them with respect, if the parents don't ever show their children by example what respect looks like.  I expected then (and still do) good manners, and helping others.  At the same time, any request I made of them was followed with please, and I would tell them thank you.  I expected the same back, and got it.  They've watched over the years as I've held the door for someone else, and seen some of those people say "thanks" or walk in like they are entitled.  That upsets the kids now.  My 14 year old just kind of on his own started opening and holding the door for us, especially me.  But he will also hold the door for others, we've even had to wait for him because he couldn't seem to get away.  I am proud of them.  At 22, 20 and 14 I am told over and over how polite and well mannered my children are.  None of them have really been a behavior problem, expect my only daughter, the middle child.  Even then, with her life the way it had gone, that we both made it through her teen years has been quite an achievement, on both of our parts. 

I'm very proud to say today that she and I are best friends (though I still play the mom card when I need to).  Now I am even more of a confidante than before as she's really facing adulthood and at that crossroads so many of us hit after high school, whether working or in college.  Just recently the youngest, also a son, has decided that he's "big" enough (he did become an inch or two taller than me in the last few months) to start popping off with smart aleck comments.  I Just got his sister out of this stage for the most part, she still has her moments, but it's amazing what living on her own for six months did for her attitude.  She did not want to move back home, but I am proud of her for not letting that pride keeping her from coming home, at least while she's in school.  Her obtaining her degree and her schoolwork is vital in my opinion, and I will gladly make sure that she has food and a roof over her head.  She's buying her own vehicle, and most of the time she goes to school.  She receives a small check each week that doesn't cover her gas expenses, so she feels the pinch. So do I because she Still has to get to school, so she has to have enough gas money, etc. 

I really have been blessed with good kids, but no one is perfect, not me for sure, and not them either.  It's amazing that this realization as it came on to me, made me view my mother and my grandmother, both of whom had raised me at different periods of my life, in a different light.  I had always held my grandmother on a pedestal....and I still do, so no one better ever say anything ill of her!  But I had held anger for years towards my mother.  I chose to remain "close", my immediate family gets together for holidays and even birthdays sometimes.  But I always held her at arms length.  It was easier for me to keep my mouth shut and not start any trouble that would make a possible worse gap in our relationship.  It would've have hurt. 

What I'm trying to say is that both of those women were just that - normal women, who did their best as mothers.  In trying to learn how to forgive myself (for I am much harder on myself than anyone else could or will ever be), I also started realizing what they must have gone through and finally saw through my mother's eyes.  That gap is now healed between us.  I'd like to say that I wished it had happened sooner, a lot of years have been wasted in anger and hurt on my part, and hurt and confusion on hers.  But I think it came at the exact moment it was supposed to.  Now I'm hearing Elton John singing "The Circle of Life" in my head.  Time for the insomniac to try to unwind and get some sleep for tonight.

I kind of like this blog thing.  It's kind of like therapy, except I'm talking to myself......we'll save THAT for another post!  God bless you and keep you safe.